I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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