i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
