I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
