Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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