how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
