So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
