After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
