I wanna passion pit in your ass
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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