i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize