smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
