At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
