My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
