his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
did i just pee glitter
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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