i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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