Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
