I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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