I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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