on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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