I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
