closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
MIDGETS
????
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
