ya dads aren't the best wingmen
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
