evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
