And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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