I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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