people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
