It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
