he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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