I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
