theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
