Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we made out on top of his cat.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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