Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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