Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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