I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
