I puked a lego.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
