Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
