She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
