do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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