I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
