For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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