if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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