Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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