My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
