i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
