I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
