Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
