my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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