just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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