ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
