dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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