Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
