My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
