there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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