Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize