The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
