I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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