Joe is yelling at the trees again.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
