I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
