i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
