I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize